Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Crossroads..

It has been one and a half months after everything that happened between me and him..and I do amaze myself..melihat betapa kali ini my logics and ego knocked down my heart..protecting it from running back all over again to him..

Selama ini, aku gak akan pernah bisa diemin dia lebih dari 3 hari..klo dikuat"in juga paling mentok cuma seminggu..tapi kali ini, 1,5 bulan berlalu tanpa ada kata-kata..dari dia..maupun dari aku.
I even have a new mantra..for each passing day, i keep telling myself "if he wants me..if he cares about me..if he loves me..he will do whatever it takes to keep me in his life.. he will do what he gotta do"

Well, couple days ago I finally made a move and talked a bit to him..atau lebih tepatnya "responding to his broadcast message on bbm"
so..no, it's not about the relationship..if he doesn't even give a damn about talking it, then why should i?

i talked to him..because i simply could not not to care about his life and the problems in it..
i can't see him alone facing it and not having someone to help him out..

yeah..i know my weaknesses..

actually, he talked to me like a week ago slightly about his problems..
bukan hal baru..masalah yang sama yang dia hadapi selama ini..
only this time..i can't do much for him..and it's not because i don't want to..but i just can't..

When he asked me whether or not i have a solution..i stick with the answer that i gave to him a week before..that he should do what he thinks is best.

and unbelievably..after all this time, i thought i was so tough for not crying over what happened..
there were my tears on that very day..
maybe it's caused by a mixed feeling between frustration and realizing facts..

for all these times, i've been his back-up..
i was always there for him..standing by his side..having his back..ready to catch him whenever he fell apart..never gonna leave him alone in the dark gloomiest side of life..
but i should have come to realize that all those things i did was only creating a comfort zone for him..
when the relationship was falling apart, he doesn't even try to talk about it..he stayed silent..but now when he is in trouble..he talked to me..

aku kadang berpikir apakah pernah terpikir olehnya bahwa apa yang dia lakukan membuatku berpikir bahwa kehadiranku dalam hidupnya seakan hanya memiliki arti di saat dia membutuhkan aku..dan dia tidak pernah memiliki rasa itu untukku..namun hati nuraninya yang membuat dia bertahan denganku selama ini (mungkin atas dasar rasa tidak tega untuk meninggalkanku setelah segala yang aku perbuat untuknya..)
tapi entahlah..aku gak pernah bisa menyelami dan megetahui dengan pasti apa yang ada di dalam hati dan pikirannya..hanya dia dan Tuhan yang tahu..

i never know why he broke my trust..
i never know why he never tried to make time for me..
i never know why he never put me as a priority..
i never know if he really loves me..

he was once mad at me..and told me to find someone who can be..emm..let's say my puppet..
dia suruh aku cari seseorang yang bisa aku atur"..
dan aku gk bisa mengerti apa yang sebenarnya ada dalam pikirannya..dia merasa aku terlalu banyak mengatur dan mengekang dia..
well..
is it wrong if your girlfriend ask you to not stay up late all the time?
is it wrong if she got mad at you because you spent too much time with your friends but you don't have time for her?
is it wrong if she reminds you all the time about things just because she cares about you?
is it wrong if she got so panicked and worried when she can't reached you on your phone because it was turned off?
is it wrong if she loves you a little too much than you love her?

i love him just the way he is..i never really tried to change him even for a bit..
i did once asked him to change in the earlier months of our relationship..and nothing happened..
lalu kemudian yang terjadi adalah i just simply compromise almost everything with him..menutup mata dan berusaha menerima semuanya itu..
ya memang terkadang ada kalanya aku masih sering komplain sama dia..dan yah, selalu saja dia balik marah ke aku..and that makes me wondering whether or not he thinks off the reason for everything that i did..


sering aku bertanya-tanya..pernahkah dia berpikir tentang perasaanku sedikit saja?
seperti misalnya di saat dia sudah bekerja seminggu penuh dari hari senin-sabtu..disaat dia pulang ternyata dia lebih memilih untuk main futsal dengan teman"nya atau malah mungkin tidur..dan pada hari minggu nya..entah dia memilih untuk melanjutkan tidur..atau (lagi-lagi) beraktifitas dengan teman"nya..
dan pada saat aku telpon dia..atau mulai mengeluhkan kesibukannya..dia mulai marah dan bilang bahwa seharusnya aku tahu bahwa pekerjaan dia seperti apa..lembur hampir setiap malam, jadi apakah salah kalau dia butuh waktu untuk tidur? atau..apakah salah jika dia butuh waktu untuk sendiri? atau refreshing dengan teman"nya?
jawabku tentu saja.."tidak" :(
but when he was unemployed..he still didn't have time for me..

has he ever thought how i felt when i found out a super long outgoing call list from his number to his ex? the call record beat the number of calls he made to my number..
has he ever thought how i felt when i know that he lied at me and making excuses to cover it up, and i have to pretend that i trusted him?
has he ever thought how i felt when he cheated on me?
has he ever thought how i felt when he told me to go and find another person that is more deserved to be with me?
and despite all of that..i was sticking around with him..amazing huh?
well maybe that's the stupid little thing called love..
some may call me blinded by love..but in my principles, i'll say that i saw his flaws..aku tau dan kenal kekurangannya, tapi aku memilih untuk tetap mencintainya.

Dia selalu berkata bahwa dia bukanlah seseorang yang pantas untuk diriku..tapi aku selalu membantah perkataannya..
aku gak pernah meminta dia untuk menjadi sempurna untukku..sejak awal aku memilih dia, aku tahu bahwa ada jarak perbedaan yang cukup lebar di antara kami..
yang aku harapkan dari dia hanyalah berusaha untukku dan hubungan kami..tapi yang ada adalah dia lebih sering merasa rendah diri dan lebih cenderung mengasihani dirinya sendiri karena dia memang seperti itu keadaannya dan merasa semuanya itu tidak pantas untukku..
sering aku bertanya ke dia..kenapa dia gak mau berusaha untuk menjadi pantas untukku? katanya cinta..katanya sayang..katanya gak mau lepasin aku..tapi kenapa lebih milih nyuruh aku pergi cari yang lain daripada dia berusaha untuk mempertahankan aku?

aku merasa sekarang ini alasan mengapa dia diam saja itu mungkin karena dia sedang mengasihani diri sendiri..

merasa bahwa dia memang pantas untuk ditinggalkan..
merasa bahwa memang aku lebih baik tanpanya..
he's a person with huge ego and high level of self pity and selfishness..

and as simple as it is..
if he really loves me..dan tidak mau kehilangan aku sebagaimana selama ini dia katakan ke aku..lalu kenapa dia tidak berusaha sedikit pun untuk kembali padaku?


dan aku berasa seperti berada di persimpangan jalan..tak tahu arah mana yang harus kupilih..
mimpi-mimpi yang pernah kumiliki saat bersamanya masih ada berkeliaran dalam benakku..masa-masa bersamanya masih terasa begitu nyata..dan tanpa dirinya..aku berjalan seakan tanpa arah..

 adakah di hatinya seperti di hatiku?